So…

 I’m facing repercussions now from that day that I broke down backstage. The directors don’t really want me back there, they kind of blame me for causing a whole bunch of drama, and they’re writing to my parents to try to talk about it. I’d imagine that most wouldn’t want to hear about my issues, so I’ll just put it under read more.

 I feel awful about this. I went to the theater yesterday to help out backstage, but was told by the male director that 1. They had enough people helping out 2. I made a little girl cry because she over heard me, and 3. They don’t need any unnecessary drama backstage because something else pretty big had happened last week. And, I mean I understand parts of this, but why would you tell a sensitive, anxious, depressed minor that she made her 10 year old friend cry? What made you think that would be a good idea??? 

 I tried to go downstairs to hangout in the green room, but the lady in charge of it didn’t let me backstage, which I understand, but with my already dampened mood it just made me start to tear up. I ended up drawing a tiny bit of attention, and one of the ladies let me call home (thank God). A couple of my friends came over and by then my eyes were just puffy, so I calmly explained what had happened last week, and we just had a soft, friendly conversation. They were being really great and gave me a hug, too!

Then while I’m still talking with my friends, the female director (the other directors wife) tells me to go to the lobby. She walks with me and she was telling me (in a kind of passive aggressive tone), that I shouldn’t be there (backstage, even though one of the staff ladies told me I could sit in the stairwell) and that my friends have a lot on their plate and I shouldn’t be distracting them. I went home eventually after sitting in the lobby and talking with some nice ladies, and I wanted to bawl my eyes out. This was mortifying. 

 This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone. They start treating you differently. I know I shouldn’t have said anything to my friend on Saturday, but I just felt so overwhelmed and anxious and tired that I let it out. I know that I said it, and I know that I thought about what I was going to say before I said it. I tried being quite for 4 years, though, and it hurt. I finally let it spill out (at a bad time, but still), and this happens. 

 And this morning, we’ve gotten like, 2 voice messages from the guy, and my mom got a very strongly worded email from the lady (the directors). THIS LADY HAD THE GALL TO ACCUSE MY PARENTS OF DROPPING ME OFF AT THE THEATER SO THAT THEY WOULDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME. WHAT. THE. HECK. I am probably more offended that she’s attacking my parents then the fact that she made me out to be a horrible, selfish, bratty, trouble maker, when the entire time she has known me I have tried to be nothing less than the helpful, amiable, good example I always try to be. (Like I said, TRY to be. I’m far from perfect.)

 Honestly, I’m kind of heartbroken by this. I trusted these people, and honestly I’m pretty torn up about this. My mom doesn’t want me to go back to the acting group, and while I’ll miss performing with my friends there, I have to agree. Yesterday’s events reminded me way to much of when I was in first grade, which was a very traumatizing year for me. I won’t go into too much detail, but it was basically a cycle of – Me being sensitive and messing up because I’m distressed, getting yelled at, me crying because I feel bad, getting yelled at for crying. (This was by my teacher, btw.) I can’t deal with that again. I REALLY can’t deal with this again. So, I highly doubt I’m ever going back there.

If you’ve read all of this, I’m sorry you had to put up with my ranting. I just REALLY needed to let this out.